Thinking about going off and doing my bleep test at some point soon, the so called ‘job related fitness test’ in advance of my PPST.
I have never ‘failed’ it, but I have always felt an enormous anxiety with regards to it. ENORMOUS anxiety. Not just a ‘oooh a bit worried about that’ angst but a ‘I could actually vomit right now just thinking about it” deep dread. I’ve made no secret of that.
This one already felt like a big one personally for me. Whilst being the most precious things to me in the world, having my boys did not come without long lasting impacts on my mental health as has been well documented, but also on my physical health. Giving birth to my boys has left me with life changing injuries, which may seem minor, but have an impact on my daily life.
16 years on team on the frontline of Peckham has also left its physical scars with a little bit of diagnosed PTSD thrown in.
I suffer from Adenomyosis. This is a condition which means my endometrial tissue in the lining of my uterus grows into the muscular wall of my uterus. Symptoms can be vast, but in my case my Uterus is enlarged and every single month I experience excruciating back pain as well as bleeding that impacts my day to day life.
I have never felt it necessary to go in advance of my PPST, alone, I have always just gone along and got it done on the day, until now.
And let me tell you, the reason isn’t because I’m worried I will wet myself, or bleed, or anything like that, we should talk more about these conditions women suffer from without being embarrassed.
The reason, is other cops, colleagues.
Cops who feel empowered to say openly that you don’t deserve to be a police officer if you worry/struggle with the bleep test. Who even confirm that they believe that, whatever the reason may be, even if it’s due to age, disability, birth injuries, job injuries, mental health, menopause, gynaecological conditions.
I could list all the awful things I’ve had said about me, but you already know if you’ve been on this journey with me.
People who make a judgement about their colleagues without having ever met them or knowing their story. Not knowing the things they have achieved, the battles they’ve won, the sacrifices they have made.
To some, it all means nothing, when it comes to the bleep test.
These people scream about needing to know that their colleagues have their back, spew vitriol and unkindness and yet despite their attitudes, I must automatically trust them to have mine? Based on what? That they can get to/don’t worry about 5.4? What about compassion? Empathy? Care? Communication? When did those lose their importance in the policing toolkit of superpowers?
I don’t know that I won’t be standing next to the people making these sorts of comments at the start line, making an already very stressful environment for me even worse, hence now planning to do it alone.
A couple of years ago, I would have gone knowing that there would be people cheering their team mates from the sidelines, running beside them, keeping them going.
Now it doesn’t feel like a safe place to go and we should all feel a little ashamed about that, because how did we get here?
So when I go, I will stand there and I will try to push through all the noise of the baying mob in my head and the worry I feel to get through it.
I will think of the DS who approached me whilst I sat crying in the canteen at the yard last week, having overheard me talking, who said thank you, on behalf of his wife “she’s a better detective than I could ever be but worries about the bleep test” he said.
I will think of the thousands of incredible dedicated people up and down the country in policing, who show up every day and get things done. Who deserve the respect of their colleagues.
I will think of all the officers who use their hobbies and expertise to help their colleagues, rather than belittle them.
And to those who vilify me, question my abilities and skills, question how they can trust that I could have their back in a tense situation, how I could hold my own in a life or death situation, despite my experience and my record…
Remember, trust works both ways.
#Bleepkind
JJ’s World 